I realise that Madonna ia an icon and that has been a trendsetter for as long as I can remember, who at fifty years of age can get away with lycra and corsets, but what looks good on Madonna does not look good on the average middle aged woman.
Madonna may have paved the way for women have control over thier own careers, she may have paved the way for women to be more open about sex, but she has also (probably unknowingly) created a trend where the streets are starting to fill up with middle aged women that walk the streets looking like retired prostitutes.
Everyday there are more of them out and about. Normal everyday women in thier fifties and sixties, who try and regain thier youth by wearing outfilts that look like an advertisement for the local trailer park
I saw one lady (well not exactly a lady) this morning who will forever be burned in my memory. I am guessing she was in her late fifties or early sixties, and if her little denim skirt was any shorter you would have been able to see her pelvic floor collapse. Now I don’t know about you but I really don’t want to see someone’s birthing bits first thing in the morning. The fake tan had been sprayed liberally over her legs except for the back of the knees, they were still white ( she will probably be able to apply it better after her hip replacement).
Madonna also has enough money to get her hair done professionaly so being blonde is always going to look good on her, but this womans hair was so overbleached it was practically transparent. Of course she had taken the trouble to apply her makeup to go with the transparent hair, black eyeliner melted into the wrinlkes under her eyes, bright red lipstick and to complete the look some glittery eyeshadow.
And then we have the midriff top. I am not really a fan of these in general anyway because there are not a lot of people with perfect stomachs that can get away with them but, when your belly has been stretched and massacred by pregnancy, when your stomach moves in a different direction to the rest of your body, it is time to put the midriff top away. Not Blondie, she showed off the remains of her body proudly. And please……..there is a certain age where a bra is a must.
I haven’t seen anything swinging in the breeze so badly since the last big storm we had. Her boobs were huge…..and ugly. Why, oh why would a woman think a man would find that attractive?
Her nipples were sitting so low on her chest I thought at any moment they would slide off and go down the drain !!!
Now I am all for being eccentric, being an in individual and doing your own thing, but this was well beyond the pale. Madonna has a lot to answer for.
Please…please if anyone see’s me in the street with my birthing bits hanging out the bottom of my skirt and my nipples in the gutter can you please call somebody and have me committed?
THE UNDERTAKER
Lonely whore for rent (said the sign around my neck)
And you come dressed in your insincere best.
Occasionally friends
And lovers less.
Late again. I suspect
The hint of someone fresh.
“Look. I just forgot the new address”.
And I think “You can’t even remember where I live”.
Some cracks grow faster than you care fix,
Still the sex will outlive
My reasoning.
The reasons why I should not persist.
But tonight I will admit
This. Our ending. Our death -
A crumpled movie ticket.
Seperate beds.
Copyright: Evan C McInnes 2009
If you want to read any more of his poetry just go to Evan Christopher McInnes on my space. If poetry is not your thing you can also hear the songs he has written on his profile page. Yes it’s blatant promotion but he can back it up.
I wrote a blog some time ago called “Stiff legs and a crippled crotch”about the ever growing limp and surrounding areas on my body. I did not know the reason why my body was suddenly coming over all corpse like, but I have since found out. It seems the old hip doesn’t quite rotate the way it used to.
I decided to take myself off to the local quack and demand an x-ray, when I realised that while going on one of my nice long walks I was uttering “oww” and “shit” every time I had to put one pudgy leg in front of the other.
And then there is the effort it takes just getting my bloomers on. I put the undies on the floor, look at them for a moment while I contemplate how to lift up my leg high enough to get into them. Then with an almighty effort I bend down and slide them over my foot as quickly as possible and hoist them up.
Getting into a car is another new adventure, I can keep my family amused for hours while I sit the left side of my rather large bum on the seat and then try to lift up the right leg.
After spending half an hour trying to get the message from the brain to the leg that it needs to bend to get into the car, I give up and lift it up with my arms and steer it in the right direction. Oh what fun !!
I wrote a blog some time ago called “Stiff legs and a crippled crotch”about the ever growing limp and surrounding areas on my body. I did not know the reason why my body was suddenly coming over all corpse like, but I have since found out. It seems the old hip doesn’t quite rotate the way it used to.
I decided to take myself off to the local quack and demand an x-ray, when I realised that while going on one of my nice long walks I was uttering “oww” and “shit” every time I had to put one pudgy leg in front of the other.
So along to the doctor’s I go full of hope that he will get me back in working order, this was not to be my friends. Why you ask?
Because the doc is a bloody idiot that’s why. I present my fine self to him and tell him I own a sore hip and a paralyzed leg and ask him what the problem could be? Dr Thin then asks me to climb up onto the table……yeah right. I heave myself up onto my side and moan continually while trying to turn over but I am stuck my friends and I wonder “is he going to help me or leave me forever wobbling on the brink of his medical table”?
Well eventually he grabs a leg and slides me over so the whole lot of me is now equally distributed on the sheet and he can now examine me. Dr Thin then grabs a leg, lifts it into the air and rotates it while I scream “let me go you silly man”.
He then utters the immortal words “heavy leg”, and so in an instant I come back at him with “heavy body” !!!. Do you believe this thin medical marvel? I am in agony with half a body that’s practically already dead and he comments on the weight of my beautiful pins !!! What a bloody cheek.
And so the leg exercises are finished and Dr Thin takes himself over to his desk while I struggle to put both feet back on the ground and walk without falling over and destroying his office and I ask him “what can I do about the pain”/
The wise one says, you need some painkillers and if it gets worse you will have to see a surgeon. Well as far as the pain killers go, I have taken every drug I can lay my hand on for the last few weeks and I am terrified of the surgeon because that would mean cutting. So I decide to keep taking the drugs for a while, and then Dr. Brilliant says “I want to see you doing a lot of walking” !!!!!!! I was stunned. I said to the wise one “I just walked up here and barely made it”.
I tried to explain to him that the pain was equal to giving childbirth only the baby was in my right leg, that walking made it soooo much worse, and do you know what he said with a smirk on his skinny face? “It’s all in your head”. If I had crutches I would have slammed him around the head with one.
Well I guess it’s time to find another doc….wish me luck as I hobble into the next doctors surgery and try to explain that there is part of me that’s “out of order” and needs help.
Tags: bad doctors advise
While sitting around the dining room table with little sister and superwoman (the niece) for some reason the subject of waxing came up. Being a very unhairy example of womanhood (one of my better points) I told the niece that it amazed me that various examples of womanhood can go into a salon, splay thier good selves in front of a stranger and wait to have said stranger rip the shit out of thier nether regions. My niece was in hysterics at my reaction to her information on this process of making a fanny good looking. WHY?
It horrified me that our sweet innocent girl (the niece) shows the bits of herself I used to put a nappy on. I am obviously a prude, because there is no way would pop my fleshy self up onto a table, expose my born again virginity to someone and then wait for them to inflict extreme pain on my bits.
Apart from the pain there is also the embarrassment. Who does this job?? How does it feel to go to work everyday and know that you are going to spend the day preening the old, the young, the ugly and the unkempt. What if you get a customer that smells? Do you whip out the air freshener and accidently spray her fanny?
So as far as fashions go…I am keeping what’s mine, I don’t need a shiny fashionable fanny to improve my life.
Chances are no one’s ever going to see it anyway !
Tags: funny waxing brazilian
Has thier brain been so very damaged by the pulsating Boom Boom that they can’t tell the difference between REAL music and a thud that is sooo loud it causes heart palpitations? Could it be the younger generation (MORONS) have come up with a way of getting rid of the oldies by causing heart failure on a massive scale??
Is good music not good music when it is played at an intelligent level? It definately is NOT good music when the boom boom is played so loud it drowns out every other instrument. What is the point? Why not just hit themselves continually over thier empty little heads repeatedly and dance to the echo??
MORONS
The idiot that lives behind us waits until 7PM every night and then decides it’s time to kill a few more brain cells by bassing himself to death. It aggravates me to the point where I want to go on a diet just so I can jump the fence and pull his ugly little ears off!!!!
And then of course we have the one cell animals (teenage boys) that society has to suffer, that think it makes them look like men to drive at the speed of light while playing thier Boom Boom so frigging loud it vibrates every thing it passes on thier way to the city of stupidity !!!
Everybody give a clap for the cretins
What these puny little wanna be’s don’t realise is that the rest of the population thinks they are DICKWADS !!!
I want to form an “oldie posse”….round up the dickwad boom boom people who do not have a musical bone in thier underdeveloped bodies…..and tie them to a pole in the middle of a public square. Then said cretins would have to listen…at full blast…for 4 hours or until we break them……ABBA……BEETHOVEN……THE BAYCITY ROLLERS……HELEN REDDY and every other bit of music that will make them squirm with pain and cry for mercy.
Anybody with me here.
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